I just get really bummed

As many of y'all know I have bipolar disorder, like many I have good days and bad.  The crushing lows are the worst but I am one of the lucky few who spends a majority of her time sitting around on a hypermanic high 80% of the time; although lately it has become difficult due to the age I am at (menopause suks). So it saddens me deeply when news such as that regarding Robin Williams becomes known.  It concerns me even more when someone you think is "invinsible" loses that battle.  It makes you wonder, "what if?"

I ponder that a lot, "what if" I wasn't such a stubborn bitch?  "What if" I wasn't such a sore loser?  "What if" I let the inner demons of my mind overtake me?  There are so many "what ifs" that have, at one time or another, crossed my mind my "what ifs" have become "what ifs."  The danger lies for those of us with chronic or acute long term illnesses, when our "what ifs" turn in to "why" and/or "why me."  Something I catch myself doing more often than I'm willing to admit.

We may never know what caused Williams to (allegedly) end his life, but it is a wake-up call.  It was something he said in a 2006 interview where he talks about standing at a precipice looking down and the little voice inside says to "jump."  In his case Williams was referring to his battle with alcohol and "jump" becomes "just one."  For someone who I believe lived on the edge between madness and comedic genius, he may have gotten too close and flew into the dreaded abyss:  "Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And when you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you." 

Oh, and that abyss, it can be a very ugly!

What many do not realize, there is a stifling loneliness that comes with depression (chronic illness); there is a silence so deafening one becomes an island unto themselves.  So when you my dear friends give 3 seconds of your time for a simple hello, or a simple smile/poke/like/re-tweet,  you just might have saved a life.

I know it is not that simple, but it could be.  I just get really bummed when I learn that someone, anyone loses that battle.

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.