Four years ago, just a few weeks shy of his 21st birthday, Evan ended his life with the intention of forever ending his pain. And I am left with blood on my hands. My misconceptions about suicide have made me an accomplice.
I thought his inability to deal with reality and grow up, or to get over a girlfriend, contributed to his suffering. But I was wrong; a character flaw or single traumatic event didn't lead him to taking his own life. Evan was battling an internal monologue on a daily basis.
Evan was the kind of person who could make you laugh even when you didn't want to crack a smile. Everything about him was happy. A trendsetter, he knew what was cool before the rest of us. A social butterfly, he could walk with many different groups at school and was respected in all of them. A talented athlete, a creative mind with artistic gifts, he was the last person you would expect to be tormented by thoughts of suicide.
[,,,]
As hard as he tried, he couldn't be happy anymore. The enthusiasm with which he used to live life to its fullest was gone. He was using drugs and expressing rage at the slightest offense. After a family argument, he punched the wall and broke his hand. Either from the drugs or from his deteriorating mental health, he became increasingly paranoid about the intentions of his friends. His art and creative interests became dark and confusing.
[,,,]
The house was dark. I remember firefighters, paramedics and police crowding our dark courtyard, staring at their feet. They had come to save a life, but they were too late. There was no life they could save. Blinded by a police officer's flashlight upon my face, I froze. There was nothing I could do for Evan either, I realized.
As I comforted my parents, I began flipping on the light switches, a feeble attempt to bring light into our dark home. We were broken. When Evan took his life, he passed his pain on to those of us left behind, his family and large circle of friends. Through tremendous loss, we inherited his suffering.
I was an accomplice to my brother's suicide - CNN.com
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